We are saying "Mommy". My partner and I have decided it will be hard enough for Andrew to explain to his peers that he has two daddies. We do not want to take away the title of MOMMY from him. He does have a birth-mother and although she is not (in the typical sense) a full-time mom to Andrew, she in our eyes is still his Mommy. My partner and I are very determined to keep very close to the birth-mother mainly for Andrew's sake.
Her involvment in Andrew's life is mostly up to her. If she is in a place in her life where the environment is safe for Andrew, we may even consider sleep overs. We want Andrew to know that his mommy loves him and that she loves him so much she had let us take him home to give him a happy, healthy life.
Andrew will know the word Mommy
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11 comments:
Your story is so beautiful. I'm an adoptee that so admires your love for your family that not only includes Andrew now...but also his Mom. I think that's so beautiful and just...amazing.
I'm adding your blog to my fave blog lists on my page, I hope you don't mind. And, I have to say...Andrew is adorable...and your love for him is inspiring. How blesses you are to have one another.
Laurel,
Thank you so much for your comments. They mean a lot to us. We are keeping this blog to track key events in Andrew's life. Have you found your birth parents?...
Thank you for your answer. This makes a lot of sense. I understand that you don’t speak for all gay Daddies on the planet, but this was an opinion that was asked of me (as a birthmom) recently and I couldn’t even guess because I had never heard the answer. Plus, I’m a birthmom… not an adoptive parent lol.
That said, like everything else with adoption, it's probably a case by case situation and if you (as an expectant mom) are wondering… then just ask. I heard other opinions on this and it was assumed that two Dads would be comfortable with a birthmom being referred to as “Mom”. I thought that was probably not a good assumption (and still don't). Again, if you are wondering, just ask...
I love that you have looked at this from Andrews’s point of view. I didn’t think about the discomfort he may feel later in life although I am sure you’re prepared to give him the tools to navigate anything that may come his way.
I must say I love your attitude when it comes to your son’s adoption. I know this can’t be easy but I really hope that Andrew’s Mom is able to overcome her obstacles and stay a healthy part of his life. He certainly deserves it and so does she.
I look forward to reading more about your journey. ((( Hugs )))
Oceans,
When you say you are a "birth mom"..does this mean you have had the experience of putting your baby up for adoption?..If so, do you have connections with your baby?
Yup - I placed a child when I was 17yo and that was 26 years ago. I am from the "closed era" so I have never had any contact with my son. I didn't even have a name or a picture until 2 months ago when I ordered my non-id info from the County. They provided his first name and the first names of his parents. From that, I was able to figure out a last name and found him on MySpace.... So now I have a picture.
I sent him a (sort of) generic message and am waiting for a response. If he knows he was adopted (which he may not) then it would have been pretty clear I was his bmom. So far he hasn't responded but I am still hopeful.
He may not want a relationship and I will always respect that. The reunion process is why I started my blog.
If you look on my page you will notice some links to various birthmom (some like the term firstmom) blogs. Thanksgivingmom has a somewhat traditional OA - I say somewhat because every OA out there seems to be different. Confessions of a Secret Birthmom is a blog about a bmom in a semi-open adoption (no contact with her daughter but contact with the amom) - everyone else is somewhere in between. They are great reads if you are looking for birth/first mom perspectives.
Sorry - This got long!!
I am actually currently getting in contact with my birthmother (you can read the details on my blog at www.laurelblogs.blogspot.com). I know who she is, where she is, basic info and we had brief contact when I was 17 (I'm now 29). I did meet/find my birthfather, but that did not work out.
I, too, hope that Jennifer can get the help that she needs to get on a more healthy path in her life. It is such a gift to all of you if she can be involved and a part of Andrew's life. There is something so warming about your story that touches my heart. It's wonderful to see that you are all united in doing what is best for Andrew...that's very powerful.
Thank you for this perspective...Conversely I'm having a hard time with the word "Daddy" - I'm a birthmom (I placed my daughter eighteen months ago and we're in an open adoption) whose daughter has no "Daddy" figure. I've wondered how her Mother will address this with her, and I do get jealous of the fact that while her birthfather isn't a part of the process now, if he does one day engage in an open adoption with them, he will be the only "Father" - perhaps the indicator "birth" before Father won't be necessary for him as it would be if my daughters Mother had a male partner. As it is necessary for determining me as the "birth" mother.
I have to derail for a minute and laugh at Ocean's saying that I have a "somewhat traditional OA" - in some ways it's very traditional - email updates, visits, etc. And in other ways it's totally abnormal - I placed using Safe Haven with a single Mom that I didn't choose (but think is great) who invited me into an open adoption post-placement...Today traditional-ish, how I got there? Not so much! haha
I do enjoy reading your perspective and look forward to following your journey!
It is quite selfless of you to allow Andrew to have a relationship with his birth mom, I hope things continue to work out. Your comment about Andrew having a hard time explaining two dads to his peers made me laugh. My daughter is 8 and her pal from school has two moms, and apparently they are WAY cooler than me : ) (they are pretty cool). But, I just always explained to my kids that everyone's family is different, but we all have alot in common too.
Wow. Thanks for the wonderful comments. That is an encouraging story.
Hi! I think it's time for an update. :o)
How's Andrew and his Daddies?
You guys are freakin' AMAZING.
You just love that little boy so much and it's easy to see even in a little photograph.
YOU ROCK! <3
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