Well, hmm....Where did the time go?. Our son Andrew is just over 13 months. It doesn't seem that we have been parents for over a year already. I have documented and video taped every milestone. Some nights, we watch our son sleeping and I look to my partner and say, "Look how big he is already", and "Can you believe we are Daddies?" and "Can you believe we could potentially be grandparents?"
The experience is way more than we have anticipated. To be able to love someone so unconditionally and that love is immeasurable, so strong that it's impossible to explain in words. I feel honored, grateful, humbled and sooo blessed to have this experience in our life.
I am hopeful that our family (me, my partner, andrew and his birth mom) continue to develop into a strong family unit. You can see in the birth mom's eyes how happy she is to see him. When I see them together, I can't help but feel so happy and take so many pictures. I want Andrew to know his family, his whole family. It will be little (or a lot) harder for him in school as he begins to compare his life to others in his age group. I want him to have a story, a true story that helps define who he is and where he came from to help him to understand and be able explain his unique family to his peers. Of course I would love to protect him from all adversity, but I also want him to learn to deal with this on his own...."That which does not kill you.." you all know the rest. This is why the best I can do is supply him with his truth. I take pictures and videos so he can refer to them privately, when he needs to. My dream is to have his mom so actively involved that she will be a phone call away at all times, she attends his school functions, birthdays, holidays. However; I can't promise that will happen so I'm trying to capture these experiences (as much of them as possible) with pictures, photos, letters. I don't mean to sound selfish or rude when I say what comes next, but I am doing this strictly for our son. No one else, not the birth mom, not my partner nor myself
Development:
Andrew has come such a long way. He is saying "Dada" as he reaches for either me or my partner (the best feeling in the world). The rest of the words he chooses to use have a meaning but they are not a word you would recognize in English. An example would be, he puts things to his hear and says "wow-wow". This means hello and he makes believe to use a telephone. There are so many like this but if you did not know him, you would not know what he was trying to say. I like to call it our secret family codes.
He loves to jump, climb, run and loves being tickled. He has the most infectious laugh . My partner and I are puzzled, although we love music and I actually like to dance, I can not remember ever dancing in front of him. But this kid can move to music. Look for some great video clips of that to be posted soon.
Although he does not use all the vocabulary correctly, he certainly can understand. He knows where his nose, ear and mouth is. He can throw his ball and he will happily get you a book to read with him. His attention span has been growing more and more. He can sit for about 15 minutes with me and watch a cartoon before he begins to get a little bored. I am playing with him each day that exercises his focus. With me, I can play with him with a toy for about 20 minutes. Last month, we would have had to move on to something else after 10 minutes.
Socializing:
There is something wonderful about seeing Andrew with other children. He is drawn to other kids and loves to play with them. We go to the park when I get home from work (weather permitting) and he will walk right up to children (any age) with a big smile on his face. I've caught him many times holding little hands of little girls and trying to give them a hug.
He is a bit more selective when it comes to the bigger person (sometimes they can be called adults). He has a "let me get comfortable with you" time period. If the bigger person is insistent, they could break through in about 15 minutes...but he always watches to see where one of his daddies are. I discovered a play group through our neighborhood's GLTB center, that has supervised play groups. We hope to go there this weekend and check it out.
Our pediatrician told us he can move off the formula and drink regular milk and what ever food we are eating..but Andrew only has one tooth so far and it is in the front on the bottom. He can't really chew solid foods yet. My partner and I decided to continue the formula (one in the morning and one at night) just to make sure he is getting all his vitamins. Then during breakfast, he will eat pancakes or soft cereal. He also likes fruit (oranges, bananas, grapes) for lunch we will give him some veggies that are easy to chew once cooked and some rice. He loves crackers. His favorite are the Pepperidge Farm cheddar goldfish crackers. For dinner, we feed him baby food. His favorite is the Turkey and Veggies but he also likes the Butternut Squash just as much.
He is not very picky eater. He is very interested in the food that me and my partner and I eat. We always share with him and just make sure they are not very big pieces. It's cute to watch him chew....with just one tooth.
We are waiting for the teeth to cut through, but they are stubborn to come out, we are hoping they will pop through soon. He is constantly touching his gums and chewing on his toys and can get a little irritated, so we know he is teething and it's just a matter of time.
Thanks for reading, commenting on our story and sharing yours with us.
Development Update
Andrew will know the word Mommy
We are saying "Mommy". My partner and I have decided it will be hard enough for Andrew to explain to his peers that he has two daddies. We do not want to take away the title of MOMMY from him. He does have a birth-mother and although she is not (in the typical sense) a full-time mom to Andrew, she in our eyes is still his Mommy. My partner and I are very determined to keep very close to the birth-mother mainly for Andrew's sake.
Her involvment in Andrew's life is mostly up to her. If she is in a place in her life where the environment is safe for Andrew, we may even consider sleep overs. We want Andrew to know that his mommy loves him and that she loves him so much she had let us take him home to give him a happy, healthy life.
Andrew Meets his Birth-Mother April 16, 2008
As promised, I sent Jennifer (birth-mother) pictures each month of Andrew. I've called her numerous times but she never responded. Finally one day I received a phone call. It was Jennifer. She called to thank me for the pictures and said he has really grown. I said, "I'm so happy that you called us." I asked if she would like to meet Andrew she said yes. We set up a time to pick her up for Saturday April 16th 2008 at 12 noon.
It's Saturday and Ed and I are getting Andrew ready to meet Andrew's birth-mother. We were excited. Excited because I am able to record this moment with pictures so that Andrew can always go back to this moment and also because it's potentially the beginning of building a healthy relationship with her and Andrew.
We drove up to her place. She was staying in an old buiding where she said she worked. It was a motel and she operated the elevators and helped people check in. They did not pay her but allowed her to stay in one of the rooms. Jennifer was standing there with a friend of hers. Jennifer was skinny and had long dirty blond curly hair. We got out of the car and hugged her, she introduced us to her friend (a woman probably in her late 40s). Jennifer wanted to show her friend Andrew. Since Andrew was in the car seat, we opened the back door so her friend could take a peak. Her friend said, "wow Jennifer, he is soo cute". We left for lunch.
Jennifer sat in the back with Andrew looking at him so endearingly. I tried to keep the communication going by asking her questions about how she is. I had mentioned to her that she lost the weight so quickly and she said one of her biggest issues is gaining weight. She was happy to be thin again. I was observing her behavior and she was very fidgety, not being able to sit still. We arrived at the restaurant. We learned so much about Jennifer. She had taught herself Spanish and was able to speak fluently. She was in the process of learning Tagalog (my partner is filipino). She said a couple of sentences in Tagalog. I was really impressed with that. We talked about Andrew's birth father. His birth-father is mexican and she did not know him very well. He was about 5'7" and was chubby. That was all she said to us. We could not get any more information from her.
After lunch I told Jennifer I wanted to take some pictures of her and Andrew. We walked around town and took some pictures. Jennifer mentioned that she should go back and we packed back in the car to drop her off. We joked around and communication seemed to be a bit easier. We pulled up in front of the motel and got out to give her a hug. I have her some money to help her through this rough patch. She thanked us. She said "keep in touch".
We definately will. It's important for Ed and I to make sure Andrew knows how much his mother loves him. I feel confident that we will go on many more lunches and enjoy many gatherings together.
Our Son Andrew: The Begining Dec 24 and 25, 2007
My name is Paul and my partner's name is Ed. My partner and I have been together for just over 14 years. For the last 6 years we have been trying to adopt a child. We used a local agency. We have had many close calls and some not so close calls. Ed and I had no preference on the sex, the ethnicity, the medical background or even the possibility of the baby being exposed to drugs or HIV. We were READY to have a child. After the six years had past, Ed and I were now in our 40's and we were beginning to think we were getting to old to raise a child.
On Christmas Eve day 2007, on my way home from a half day at work (approx. 11:30am), I received a call on my cellphone from our adoption agency. "Paul, we have a potential adoption placement situation, a baby boy was born yesterday Dec 23rd" (we have gotten these calls before...), "The birthmother used drugs during pregnancy" (something we were concerned with for the baby's sake, but had no impact on our decision) "would you be interested?"..I replied "yes, we would". The social worker said "Do you first want to speak with your partner?". I replied "no, after the fifth call we recieved like this, there's no reason to check with him, he will say yes".
The social worker told me she will give our birth-mother letter to the birth mom and she will call back if anything develops. I said thank you and the call ended.
The call seemed so "usual" so "normal mode of operation" that I did not call my partner to tell him the news. Once I arrived home, we had a bunch of my partner's family there (they came in town to celebrate christmas with us) and I told them about the call. They got so excited and I could see smiles on all of their faces. I told them we try not to get too excited because so far they have all been disappointing results. My partner Ed got home. I told Ed about the call. He just looked at me and said, "well,....we'll see..." My cell phone rang at approximately 5:15pm. It was our social worker, I was upstairs in the room we use for an office (and a potential baby's room). My partner Ed was upstairs but accross the hall in our bedroom when I answered the call. "Paul?, this is XXXX with the agency, I have great news for you, the birth mother chose you and Ed, you need to come to the hospital now". My eyes swelled with tears...and I could barely talk. I yelled "Ed, Ed, come here quick"...I met Ed in the hall way..."She chose us,...She CHOSE US". I had the social worker on the line and I got the hospital information (it was a local hospital) from her and hung up. Ed and I hugged and then rushed to get ready, we fumbled around the closet....not sure what to wear to such an event. We got dressed and ran downstairs to tell the rest of the family. They all screamed with delight. We apologized to the family for leaving them on Christmas eve...
Ed and I drove to the hospital in a stage of shock. I asked Ed, if maybe she confused our birth-mother letter with someone elses and maybe when we get there she will say "I did not chose them". Ed told me no, she meant to pick us.
We finally arrived at the hospital running down the halls to the information booth. We told them the room number and we received our visitor passes. Ed and I rushed to the room. When we arrived, we met Jennifer (the birth mother). She had dirty blonde hair and green eyes. She looked worn out. She gave birth to a baby boy on Dec 23rd (just a day ago). She had deep lines in her face and gave me the impression that she had a hard life. The social worker had told me earlier that she had been using cystal meth and occassionally cocaine throughout her pregnancy. Ed and I greated her with a handshake and we sat down on a chair beside her bed. I said, "Thank you for chosing us Jennifer, you can't imagine how happy you made us". She smiled and said "Do you want to see the baby?", we jumped up and Jennifer led the way.
As we got to NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) we were instructed to wash our hands. We followed Jennifer down a long room. It was dark except for the line of incubators to our right. There was a soft glow of light coming out of each one and I could not help but look at these little, tiny, fragile babies. In my head I was thinking wow..these babies look sooo little and could fit in the palm of my hand. I was a little nervous as to what condition Jennifer's baby was in. We went through a pair of double doors where I found a small basinett and there layed a little baby..not quite as little as the babies we passed earlier...but there he was. Swaddled in a hospital blanket, just lieing there with he eyes closed. Jennifer sat in a chair away from the baby. The nurse picked the baby up and handed him to me. I held him and still to this day can not express the emotion that I could feel running through my body. He was soo light and so small. He weighed 5lbs 4oz. Ed was standing beside me extremely eager to hold the baby as well, so we transfered him like we were moving an explosive that could blow at any moment. I asked Jennifer if she would like to hold him and she just waived her hand in one quick motion and said "no, that's ok". After about 20 minutes Jennifer said, "I'm going to go lie down now, congratulations". We gave her a hug and then hung out with "our son?"...
The nurses at the hospital were so caring and supportive. Ed and I were a little awkward because here we are two guys with limited experience in taking care of an infant (other than the workshops we've attended). They trained us on feeding, burping, swaddling, changing and bathing.
The nurses told us the baby needs to stay the night but that they have 24 hour visiting. Ed and I told the nurse that we have family in town and we are going to mid-night mass (we do this every Christmas Eve). Ed and I said good bye to all the wonderful staff and kissed the baby (by the way, we named him Andrew..my partner Ed chose that name and I loved it.) and left the hospital. Our drive was fairly quiet, we were dazed and still not able to believe what just happened.
We arrived at home and everyone was waiting for us. We told them "We have a son". We shared tears and it was that moment I realized this was real.
After midnight mass, the family all gathered at our home for a meal and opening up gifts. To be honest, I was in a rush to get this part over...I wanted to go back to our son. The family that was visiting from out of town had a flight back at 6am. We left at 2Am to take the entire family to see Andrew. I filmed a couple of our relatives holding Andrew for the first time. You will see how small Andew was.
After dropping off the family at the airport, Ed and I went directly back to the hospital to sit with Andrew. The nurses let us take care of Andrew independently and stayed near incase we needed help or had questions. Edward called a friend who has children and asked if we could borrow their car seat. Our friend drove down to the hospital on Christmas Day to give it to us. (she is one of Andrew's God-parents today).
We spent the entire day with Andrew, eagerly awaiting for the Doctor's OK to check him out. Here is some more video of Ed and then leter myself holding our Andrew. (link to video).
Since it was Christmas day, all the stores were closed..we had nothing. The nurses SET US UP. They gave us diapers, formula, clothes, pasifiers, wipes, diaper rash cream, thermometer, heck they even gave us some toys. We left the hospital feeling overwhelmed with their patience, encouragement and generosity.
Jennifer (Andrew's Birth-Mother) came into the room to say goodbye to us. We gave her a hug and I asked her for her contact information. She said she left it with the social worker, I said great. She asked for pictures once a month of the baby. We said of course. She walked away and turned back and smiled and said "Merry Christmas".
The picture "Christmas Day: Andrew two days old", is when we had just arrived home from the hospital with our new son, Andrew.
This is our story and this blog will begin a documented journal of his life events. He has some challenges ahead and my partner and I want him to look back at his life to always know he is loved by everyone in his life.
